Do Good Every Day And Be Mindful Of It

We live in an often frightening, angry, heartbreaking world. A quick scroll through the news can confirm that. We also live in a miraculous, beautiful, hopeful world. It all depends on what you decide to look for. What is your focus? Are you looking for light?

It is easy to find negative things. You don't even have to look for them. They are shoved in our faces daily by the news, social media, and the general interactions of people. Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. But that won't help anything.

We have to look for the positive. I am going to tell you right now that if you are looking for the positive online, you will probably have to sift through a lot of negative things to find it. And even when you do find it, I would advise you to stay away from the comments sections of any news story or article, because there is always someone willing to spew negativity there. So where do we look?

In a world where information is at the tips of our fingertips, and so much of that information is negative, what can we do?

The best way to find the positive is to BE the positive. Do good, and be mindful of it. To be mindful of something is to be conscious or aware of it. Do good, and do it on purpose. Pay attention to what you are doing, what you are saying, how you are acting, what you are sharing. Live your life with purpose, and focus. Focus on doing good.

Too much of the time, we think of doing good as these big things. Big things are great, but they aren't everything. There are people in the world that do some of those big things, or are generous with their finances, but they might not be the nicest people in their everyday lives. If you can do big things, then feel free. I think the little things are more important. If you are stuck for ideas on how to do good, I will share a few here. 

Be kind to someone.

Smile at a stranger.

Smile at a friend.

Smile at someone you don't like.

Hold the door for the next person.

Be a generous driver (let someone merge, enter traffic, etc)

Compliment someone, and mean it. 

If you have a kind thought, express it.

If you have a negative thought, suppress it.

Tell someone you love them instead of keeping it to yourself.

Give someone a hug, a handshake, a fist bump or a high five.

Take a meal to someone.

Write a note or a card and tell someone how you feel about them.

Say thank you.

Plant a flower, a seed, a tree, or an idea.

Help someone in need.

Don't just tell someone to let you know if they need anything. Do something. Even something small.

Listen to someone else. Sometimes that is all they need.

Dance in public, or just in your kitchen. 

Choose to withhold judgment.

Swallow a cutting remark, or choose not to post a negative comment. Sometimes doing good is choosing to not do something bad.

Think about your choices and how they might influence those who witness them. If they will bring someone down, then try to find another way.

Forgive someone.

Let go of a grudge.

Buy someone dessert.

Bake cookies, then share them.
Pray for someone you love.

Better yet, pray for someone you don't like. Keep praying for them.

Soften your heart.
Pick up some litter.

Do something kind, and do it anonymously.

Weed a neighbor's flower bed or garden. 

When you have a negative thought about someone else, choose to look for three positive things about them instead.
Don't raise your voice in anger. Practice calm reactions.

Be generous in praising others.

Put your shopping cart away. 

Put somebody else's shopping cart away.
Volunteer.

Donate.
Gather your friends and/or family and do service together.

When you do come across uplifting things online. Share them, and when you find negative things, consider not sharing them. How would social media change if we stopped sharing the negative things and focused instead on the positive?

There are so many small and simple ways that we can go about doing good. When we choose good, and we do it thoughtfully, and deliberately, we will naturally feel more positive, and so will those around us. Go ahead and try it. I dare you.

The Power of Human Touch

This morning, as is common at my house, I got the kids off to school and then made breakfast for me and my three year old daughter. I sometimes like to eat at the computer desk, while checking my morning email. Lately, my daughter has insisted that I eat at the table with her. She not only wants both of us to eat at the table, but she pulls my chair as close to hers as is humanly possible, puts her plate or bowl directly next to mine, and then sits with her side pressed up against mine. Only then does she look satisfied and proceeds to eat her breakfast. If I finish my food first and get up from the table, she soon loses interest in her own food and leaves it, so this morning, after I finished my meal, I continued to sit next to her until she was finished with hers.

Throughout the day, she will come and stand next to me and say simply, "I need you." Sometimes this happens at a less than convenient moment for me, but I am trying to be better about giving her a hug or letting her sit on my lap. Because when she says, "I need you," it has never been about me helping her with something else. She is pretty good about just asking for help, or a snack, or whatever else she needs. The phrase "I need you" is reserved for wanting to be held. I know I was that way when I was young as well, but things changed.

As a child, I can clearly remember wanting to snuggle up with my Mom, and needing that security and stability that comes from being hugged. Over time, various things changed that aspect in me, and by high school I was firmly in the realm of finding hugs and physical contact to be very awkward, with the exception of an extremely small group of people that I was emotionally close to. I had to learn to allow myself to be hugged, but even now, when I am well practiced, there are only a select few that I really feel physically comfortable with.

Over the last twenty years of being a mother, I have always loved to hold my babies, and to hug my toddlers, and then, somewhere between my kids' ages of three and four, I find myself distancing myself gradually. I don't mean to do it, I have just noticed in hindsight that it happened. By the time they reach middle school, the majority of my kids have graduated to the same feelings of awkwardness that I have about hugging other people. It has just been how we evolved over time, and I feel bad about that, because as a Mom of four teen aged boys, and a twenty year old man, I think that sometimes a hug would help them more than my lectures or my advice. I do hug them, just not often, and the reason for that is because they so obviously feel awkward about it, which makes me feel awkward right along with them. I feel a lot of guilt about that, even though I know that it isn't 100% me that has caused the awkwardness. Society here in America has a tendency to stamp out healthy physical contact, especially for men and boys. Needing a hug is seen as weakness, and boys, especially are expected to man up and detach from a lot of those emotional things.

I firmly believe that physical touch is something that we all need. There can be a lot of comfort in someone holding your hand, putting an arm around your shoulder, or hugging you. And there can be a lot of feelings of loneliness and rejection when human touch is lacking in our lives. After years of not really letting anyone but my husband and my family touch me, I learned that it was okay to hug other people. Sometimes a good hug can say more than all of the supportive words we can think of, and I am personally a big advocate of using words to express ourselves. To think that a hug can be more powerful is a lot coming from me.

Do I still feel awkward when hugging some people? Yes. People I am really comfortable hugging are still limited to my husband, my younger children, and a few of my closest friends. But I truly think it is worth it, awkwardness and all. Human touch is a powerful thing. I'm not saying we should all run out and invade another's personal bubble, but I think that we often hesitate to take opportunities to give kindness and support in the form of a hug, or even just a hand on someone else's shoulder.

Do you ever find yourself in need of a hug? Are you afraid to approach others when you need a hug? Are you afraid to extend a hug to someone else you feel might need one? How can we make it easier for ourselves and others to be comforted and strengthened through healthy physical contact? I have a lot of questions, and not many answers about this subject. I however, am going to try to get a bit more outside of my comfort zone, and extend compassionate touch to others more often, and I am going to do my best to always give my daughter a moment when she "needs" me. It's a start.

Finding Beauty Through The Mess

Life is complicated and messy. Sometimes it feels like we spend a lot of our lives looking forward to when things will be better, or easier, or different in some way. 

 In an awesome song called Forest Fire, sung by one of my favorite bands, Book On Tapeworm, the chorus says:    

"Should you find it hard to live

Remember this

If everything is beautiful

Then nothing is"

It is the messy aspects of life that help us to appreciate the beautiful ones. Nothing makes you thankful for good health like coming out of an illness. If all we had was sunshine, would we really understand how wonderful it can be? Or is it the rain and the storms that make the sun more beautiful? If we didn't have clouds, sunsets would be boring. Having opposition in our lives gives us a greater capacity for joy. It stretches us, and changes us, and teaches us who we really are.

I am a music person. Music gives me so much that can't be adequately expressed in any other way. Jason Mraz sings a song called 93 Million Miles. I came across that song when one of my boys was getting ready to head off to college and move away from home, and it spoke to me. I always think of my son when I hear it, but it also speaks to me in other ways. In the song, the singer talks about advice from his parents about life. In the second verse he states:

"Oh, my my how beautiful, 

Oh my irrefutable father,

He told me, 'Son sometimes it may seem dark

But the absence of the light is a necessary part

Just know, you're never alone

You can always come back home'"

And suddenly that song was transformed for me, from a song about a boy leaving home for the first time, to a religious song. I could picture my Father telling me, "Sometimes it may seem dark, but the absence of the light is a necessary part" and that I can always come back to Him.

The absence of light teaches us to appreciate the light. It teaches us to seek after light. It teaches us to shine a light for others. Difficult times in our life help us to appreciate our blessings. They help us to seek better things. They give us compassion for others, and a desire to be a blessing in other peoples' lives.

Can you imagine a world where the sun is always shining? Where there is no pain or sorrow? Don't we all sometimes wish for a world like that? What would a world like that cost us? Without the pain and sorrows of life, we could never truly appreciate all that we have. There would be less depth to our love without the possibility of loss. So while it may not seem beautiful in the moment, if we really look for it, we can find beauty in the mess.

I hope that we will take time to think about some of the difficult experiences we have had, and ask ourselves how those things helped us to grow, and how they changed us and made us better people. And if you are in the middle of one of those experiences, hold on. It won't last forever. The light is coming. 

Why Is Change So Difficult?

We are creatures of habit. Maybe it is partly laziness, and maybe it is partly fear. Either way, it is generally easier to do things when you can predict the result, and when you don't have to risk too much by moving outside of your usual choices. Even staying in unhealthy or destructive situations can seem easier than moving on from them, or pushing yourself to make changes that will make you a better person.

For instance, my house is often in a state of chaos. Not like a hoarder's house, but cluttered, and messy. It is easy enough to blame this on the fact that we are a family with eight children, but if you want to know the truth, my room was always chaos when I was a child and a teen, even when I had my own room (probably worse when it was just me in the room) so a majority of the chaos can be laid across my own shoulders, and the habits I have allowed myself to perpetuate. 

Have I tried to declutter? Have I rented dumpsters and tossed a lot of things? Have I beat myself up mentally over my failure to have a pristine house? Have I tried re-organizing? Yes. Yes, to all of those things, and more. So why have I failed? It is possible I have not wanted it badly enough to really change my ways. I am overwhelmed at the sheer volume of work needed to really get my house in order, so I give up on it before I even get started. There is that laziness aspect again. A project like that will require a LOT of time, and some money as well. Just thinking about it makes me want to crawl under a blanket and sleep all day. Next comes the fear. What if I get my guts up to do all that work, and then things just slide back into chaos the way they have every other time I have tried? Why is living in chaos easier than trying and failing? The habits I live with now are part of what perpetuate the chaotic situation my home is usually in. I stack things, I set things aside or tuck them away instead of finding a place for them, and then later, when I am looking for something, I end up making a bigger mess pulling things out during my search. There is no organization anywhere.

Sara Bareilles sings a song that I absolutely love called December. It is melancholy, and beautiful, and it fits my mood this time of year, from the depression I feel every December with the approach of Christmas, to the pressure of New Year's resolutions. The final verse of the song says:

Distill a whole year down into a day

Act like we all start over with a pristine slate

But to get yourself a new life you've got to give the other one away

And I'm starting to believe in the power of a name

'Cause it can't be a mistake if I just call it change

That line, "To get yourself a new life, you've got to give the other one away" really hits me. My life is pretty comfortable, and I know what to expect, even when I don't always like things the way they are. I think that the many times I have tried to make changes in my life have been unsuccessful because while I have done some of the initial work, I was never willing to give up my old life. In fact, I didn't really even think about changing who I was as being something I needed for success. I thought I could just do a little bit of heavy lifting, but to really be successful at change, I have to give up my old ways, and become a new person in a sense, or at least, live in a new way. That can be incredibly scary to contemplate. Not only would I be changing myself in a way that I would hopefully not go back on, but I would be risking failure.

These kinds of changes apply to so much more than things like putting my home in order. There are so many changes that we might all be striving for in our lives, and any one of them requires giving up the way we do things for a new life in that aspect. To be a kinder person might require giving up some of our judgmental tendencies along with a taking on a certain amount of vulnerability and softness. To let go of an addiction or a bad habit requires us to leave the addiction or habit behind, and embrace a changed lifestyle, not just for a certain period of time, but forever. It means leaving who we are behind, and that can be a very scary prospect.

How often do we make a resolution to lose weight or get in shape, and then we fall short, or after the weight is lost, we gain it right back? This is because we weren't willing to give up our old life for a new one. You can do the work and get results, but unless you really make a change, and trade your old habits for new ones, the results will only be temporary. Just like all the times I have cleaned out my clutter and then invited it right back in with the way I choose to live my life.

Positive change is far from easy. Somehow it is always easier to let ourselves slip into destructive habits, or to stop striving to improve ourselves. As a new year approaches, along with all of the resolutions and goals that we think about trying to attain, I hope that we can take some time to really look at our lives, and decide if we are ready to give up what we have now, for something even better. Are you ready to give your old life away for change?

Time Waits For No Man

My uncle passed away earlier this week. He had been fighting cancer, and although that fight had been hard on him, his death came suddenly and unexpectedly. I had seen him in mid-November and had chatted with him in my parents' living room, hugged him goodbye, and walked him to his car. At the time, I had no clue that it would be the last time I would see him. I knew that his time could possibly be cut short, but I didn't know it would come so soon.

My uncle went through a lot in his life. He overcame so much, and was one of the nicest men I know. I will miss him greatly. We saw him at least three times a year at various family gatherings, and sometimes more often. He was an example of perseverance to me, and he was kind and encouraging.

After his death I looked through scanned photos trying to find a picture of me with my uncle. I found two of them, the most recent having been taken 20 years ago at my wedding reception. The other had been from a play I was in during my Freshman year of high school that he had come to see. My older sister was the lead in the play, and my part was not even a speaking part, but there is a picture of just my uncle with me from the night he came to see our play. As I looked through those photos I found myself regretting not taking more pictures of him while he was alive, and not making sure I had a more recent one of the two of us together. I regretted not calling him and my Aunt more often. I regretted not taking advantage of the time I had. 

Then my thoughts turned to other family members and friends. When was the last time I had a picture of me with my Dad? I haven't combed through all of my photos, but I know there hasn't been one recently. I suspect that the last one taken with me and my parents (without the rest of the family too) was probably also from my wedding. I have had some Sister and Mom pics over the years, but I don't have a recent picture of just me with my Mom either. Next I thought about my friends. If something happened to them, would I have a picture of us together to remember them? Or if something happened to me, would they have a remembrance? The answer is typically no. Do the people I love know that I love them? Do I tell them? And once I have told them do I continue to remind them that I love them? I'm not very good at that kind of thing. With a few exceptions, I tend to keep my feelings for other people well out of the spotlight. Feelings are risky things that are best not talked about. Or are they? Well, of course they are risky. Loving someone is always a risk, but that is one of the incredible beauties of life. 

Losing my uncle has really made me contemplate some things. Aside from wanting to take my camera and tripod on a road trip to take photos of myself with every person I love, it has also made me think about how little time we really have. It is pretty rare to know when your time is going to be up. Even when we knew he was sick and not doing well, none of us expected the suddenness of his death. We all thought there would be at least a little more time. But none of us knows how much time we really have. I could die in my sleep. A tree could fall on my house. The big earthquake/tsunami could strike and wash everything away. Anything could happen and shorten my expected amount of time on this world. We are all walking around with timers ticking away, and we don't know how long the timer has been set for. We may expect years, and only have days.

So what am I going to do? I could drive myself insane trying to make sure that every single person I love knows it, and then keep telling them in case they forget (I am still not sure this isn't the way to go some days), or I can make a decision to live each day more fully, and to take opportunities when they come instead of putting them off, thinking there will be more time another day. I want to take those pictures with friends and family members. I want to take chances to tell others that I love them. I want to do good things daily. I want to reach out and lift others. I want to pay attention to chances to change people's day, even if they are just in small ways. 

I'm not perfect, and I know that I am going to have crappy days where I don't accomplish any of those things. I also know that I am very likely to slip back into the habit of thinking that there is always going to be more time. That seems to be the nature of man. I will very likely continue to procrastinate a lot of good things I could be doing with my time. But I hope that I will be better than I used to be. 

If you knew your time was short, what would you do with it? Who would you call to tell them you love them? Who would you thank for being a force for good in your life? Who would you hug? Who would you want your picture taken with? Don't wait. Go tell them now, while you still have time. 

Change Your Focus. Advice From An Imperfect Mom.

I didn't get along with my parents growing up. Bull headed and emotional might be good descriptions of my personality. I certainly wasn't generally meek and obedient.To hear family members talk about it, I was really horrible. It seems like at least a couple of times a year, one or another of my sisters will mention how awful I was as a child and a teen. For decades, I have felt that I was somehow the black sheep of the family. I just never quite fit. 

I clearly remember being a teenager and wondering what I had done that was so awful. I'm sure that my attitude was a big factor. I was sometimes surly and defiant. I remember thinking to myself that I was generally a pretty good girl. I didn't sleep around, I didn't smoke, I never did drugs, I never even tasted alcohol. I followed the rules for staying out of trouble. That is not to say that I was perfect. Far from it. 

When I was young (5-9 years old), back when kids were much more free range, I had a habit of not being where I was supposed to be. Changing bases is what my Dad called it. I liked exploring and playing with my friends, and I didn't always remember to let my parents know when I left where I was supposed to be and went somewhere else. When my parents left the house and instructed me not to watch TV, I would turn it on anyway and then turn it off when I heard them come home (but my Dad caught me because he felt the back of the TV to see if it was warm). I sometimes took a snack without permission. I was emotional and dramatic. I fought with my older sisters.

In my teen years I didn't try very hard at school. It was boring, and I often let my grades slip, then brought them up to passing at the last minute. I kind of enjoyed the challenge of seeing how low I could drop and still bring it up to a D or C.  I was lazy when it came to chores and cleaning my room. I was a back talker, mostly to my Mom because I could get away with it. I was mean to my younger siblings. I had a short fuse. Maybe I was hard to love. Looking back, I can see why the stories go around every year at family gatherings. I was pretty awful. That said, I could have been so much worse. 

Fast forward 25 years and I am a Mom to eight kids. I am not a great Mom. I still have a short fuse, and tend toward the emotional and dramatic. Some of my kids have really been trying my patience lately. Sometimes they don't come straight home after school and I am left wondering where they are. Almost all of them break the rules about how long they use their screen time. Some sneak snacks without permission. My daughters are drama queens. Almost all of my kids fight with each other. One of my teens lets his grades slip and then brings them back up (experiencing this made me apologize to my parents for my yo-yo grades). Some of them are lazy and don't do their chores without a lot of coaxing. They can be mean and temperamental. Some days I struggle to like them. Some days I want to throw my hands in the air and give up. Then I remember what it was like to be that little kid and that teenager. What I really wanted back then, and if I am honest, what I really want now, is for people to focus on the good things about me.

I had this epiphany recently that I need to change my focus. When things are going good, and it is all smooth sailing, I don't really say much. But if there is a problem, then I am right there pointing my finger at it. I have been focusing too much on the bad things, and as a result I started to see my kids as bad. That simply isn't true. My kids are really good people. What if I stopped pointing out every mistake they make, and instead, pointed out all the wonderful things about them? What if instead of keeping track of their faults, I kept track of their strengths? Because the good and the strong things about them outweigh the less than stellar things. I don't want them to grow up and hear only horror stories about themselves. I want them to grow up and have more good memories than bad ones. More laughing and less yelling. More love, less anger. 

I have been mulling it over for the last week or so, preparing mentally to change the way I do things and then just this morning I got a letter in the mail addressed: To the Parents of ____________. It was a detention slip for my 16 year old for being Tardy three times. Last year he probably had close to 30 detentions over the course of the school year. We were getting slips in the mail every week, sometimes several times a week, most of which were for Tardies. I opened the envelope and held up the pink slip. I said, "Really? You're giving me a detention slip for Christmas?" in my best teasing, but a little bit not teasing voice. He didn't take it that way and got upset. "Mom," he pointed out, "That is my first detention this year." I could tell that he was frustrated with me, and I immediately realized that I had already failed at my efforts to refocus on the positive. I hadn't noticed that he had not gotten any detentions all year. As soon as one came, I immediately remembered all of the ones from the previous year and simply tacked this one onto the end. But really, he has improved immensely, while I still have a very long way to go.

So my advice is, change your focus. That isn't to say that big problems don't need to be taken care of, but maybe if we all took the time to look for those positives, and then to praise them, we could get along better. If we stop looking at each other's faults through a macro lens and start zooming back to see the bigger picture, we can find more common ground. This goes for more than just parenting, but can be applied to everything in your life. Focus on the good. Encourage others for their strengths, and be a little more forgiving of their weaknesses. Try to remember when you might have made similar mistakes, and look at things from their point of view. If you find yourself having difficulties with someone else, look for something to love about them.

And if you are in a group and find yourself telling negative stories about another person's youth or childhood years, or hearing them, think about how much that person might have changed over the years, and think about choosing to focus on the good person they are now, rather than re-hashing the past and re-labeling them as bad.

Give it a try. Change your focus.

Sun Breaks

I live on the coast in the Pacific Northwest. It rains here a lot. Having grown up in the Portland and Seattle areas, I am no stranger to rain, and I have always had a sentimental, soft spot for rainy weather. That said, during the winter months when we get rain for weeks on end, and the skies are gray almost constantly, I find myself going a little bit crazy. Enter my sanity's saving grace, the sun break.

A sun break, by traditional definition, is the moment that the sun breaks forth at dawn. However, here in the Pacific Northwest, a sun break also happens when the sun pierces the cloud cover, or when the clouds part for long enough to let the light through for a few moments. Sun breaks can be dramatically beautiful, and they often feel sacred to me. Seeing shafts of light breaking through the clouds has always brought to my mind the hands of God; the light, like fingers reaching towards the earth.

After days of rain, when the clouds part for a few minutes, and the blue sky appears, I feel a renewed sense of hope that sees me through, even though the light itself may not last very long. Sun breaks always seem to happen just when I need them the most. They speak to my tired soul and say, "Beautiful things are ahead. Hang on."

We live in an often dark and gloomy world. People can be selfish, mean, and lack compassion for others. Life can be extraordinarily stressful, and we sometimes get caught up in our own little rain clouds and can't find any light. But we can be the sun break for somebody else. Small acts of kindness can chase away the clouds and give others hope. The choices we make every day in how we treat others can be so simple, and yet they can be just as beautiful as those fingers of light, breaking through the darkness. 

It can be as easy as smiling at a stranger, lending a helping hand, telling someone you love them, or miss them, or that they are beautiful. Choosing to give light can be as simple as withholding judgment, choosing to think kindly of someone else, forgiving someone that may have wronged you, asking forgiveness of someone you wronged. Light can come from the touch of a hand, a hug, a look of understanding, a kind word. You can be the moment that gives someone enough hope to hold on just a little bit longer. You can be the glimpse of beautiful things ahead. You can be the beginning of change in the world. You can be the light. And if all of us chose to give light, maybe we could banish our own darkness as well as that of others.

Go ahead. Be someone's sun break. Choose to be a light. Shine on.

Social Media Is No Substitute For Social Interaction

I have not written on this blog in over two years, and I am a bit worried that I may have forgotten how to be a blogger, but here goes anyway.

I am somewhat of a Facebook addict. I spend way too much time there, scrolling through my news feed, looking for glimpses into the lives of my friends and loved ones. But why do I spend so much time going back; especially when a lot of what I find is political ranting, or shares that I am not always interested in? I think it is because I am looking for something real. 

Don't get me wrong, Facebook is a great way to stay connected to friends and family, and to keep up with their news, photos and interests, but it is no substitute for real interaction. That is what it really comes down to. I go there so much because I sometimes get lonely. I'm looking for human connections.

Life gets busy, and I am an introvert on top of that. Scrolling through Facebook is much easier and less risky than putting myself out there in the real world. Hiding behind a screen I can feel like I am being the supportive friend, the funny sidekick, the eternal optimist, the one who always remembers birthdays, the positive influence, and the stalwart ally. In some ways, I can be all of those things via social media (along with the flip side, but let's keep things happy), but not to the extent I could be.

Facebook is like walking down the halls of high school getting fist bumps and high fives (aka likes) from your friends as you pass. Fist bumps and high fives have their way of making you feel good about yourself, but they are not satisfying when what you really need is to have a real life conversation and look someone in the eye. Telling someone you love them or support them via social media can be a wonderful and uplifting thing; it certainly has its place, especially when it is with people that live far from you and who you can't possibly see in person.
How many of us, though, are using Facebook to stay in touch with people that are local to us? Sure, there is the excuse that life is busy and it is difficult to coordinate schedules. I'm not saying that it doesn't have its place, but is it really that impossible to carve out a little time? Even if a friend may be too busy for a social outing, what if you just dropped by and left them a plate of cookies, a handwritten card, some flowers, or just looked them in the eye and said, "Hey, I think you're great and I love you?" Why are those things so easy to type on Facebook but so hard to say in person?
I'm not saying you need to get in your car and have a massive road trip to visit your favorite Facebook friends (would't that be awesome though?). Maybe just start with one person on your friend list. Put yourself out there. Look someone in the eye. Say some words. Laugh out loud without using LOL. Give someone a hug. Maybe what the world really needs is some more personal connections and less hiding behind a screen.
Go ahead and do something simple but awesome for someone else. I dare you.  

The Micromanaging, Baby Stealer...

There used to be a woman at church that drove me just a little bit crazy. She had a tendency to be in everyone's business in some form or another, and if you worked with her on a project she had this habit of hounding you about things, or calling you to update you on some aspect that she could have easily waited to talk to you about, or updated you via email or a message. I screen my calls. It's not a great trait of mine, but I like my solitude and I hate answering the phone and having it be a sales person, survey taker, or just someone I don't want to talk to. So I let the machine get it almost every time, and if I want to talk to the person, I pick up the phone. This particular person would never leave whatever business she wanted to tell me about on a message, she would just leave a message to call her, and then she would call multiple times a day. I told her that I preferred email and hated talking on the phone but it didn't matter to her. She wanted to tell me whatever it was herself. I will admit that I lacked patience with her, and that I occasionally got snappy with her.
When I gave birth to my youngest daughter last December it was via an emergency C-section and it was four weeks earlier than we were expecting her. This woman was the only person that called me in the hospital and it wasn't to congratulate me on my baby or check on how I was doing. It was to report to me what was going on with a project that she had volunteered to take off my hands so that I wouldn't have to deal with it at the end of my pregnancy.

She would call me to remind me about meetings I was in charge of, or to report things that she could have told me about at a meeting scheduled later the same day. When I saw her at church I had a tendency to turn and hurry the other direction because if I didn't I would end up stuck in a conversation about something I already knew about, repeating things we had already said. She also had somewhat of a reputation as a baby stealer. That doesn't mean that she went around kidnapping babies, but she did love to hold people's babies, and had stalked me in the past, even following me into the mother's room to see if I was done nursing so that she could hold my baby. I don't really mind letting people hold my babies, but I am picky about who holds them, and I really like holding my babies myself, so I'm not one to pass them off all the time. This woman didn't seem to mind if the babies were unhappy while she held them. When my now 11 year old was a baby, she would follow me around every Sunday and steal him away and although he was fine with her at four months, by the time he was eight or nine months old he would cry and cry. I finally started avoiding her during church and went to great lengths to not let her hold subsequent babies. If the baby likes to be held by someone that is one thing, but when they are crying and don't like the person, that is another.

I spent a decade being annoyed by this woman. I was polite to her for the most part, but I am sure there were times when my annoyance showed through both in person and on the phone. That never seemed to phase her.
About six months ago, shortly after the birth of my last baby, I came to a sudden realization about this woman. She is lonely. I began to understand that the hounding phone calls, the baby holding, the checking up about minute details constantly were not because she is a micromanaging control freak, but because they were opportunities for her to connect with other people. Calling to remind people of something, or to ask about something, or to update them about things they probably already knew (and it wasn't just me that she did this to) were moments of human interaction for her. Holding a baby meant having some physical touch, even just for a few moments. I began to see her in a different light. Her motivations for the way she acted became clearer and my heart began to soften towards her. If there is one thing I know and understand, it is loneliness. You might think that with eight beautiful kids I could never be lonely, but you'd be wrong. Loneliness is one of my big challenges.
So I let her hold my youngest baby, and I didn't wait for her to ask or offer, I just handed the baby over. It was a little bit difficult for me to do, but afterwards I felt good about it. The baby didn't cry, she cooed and smiled, and I think that it made this woman feel loved.

I know this doesn't make me any kind of a saint. In reality I am a pretty rotten person for going a whole decade and not realizing this sooner. And I still find myself feeling annoyed by this person from time to time, but I am trying really hard to view her through a different lens and to realize that there are many lonely people all around. Sometimes they are doing everything they can to be noticed, and sometimes they are quiet about it, but they are everywhere. It would do us all some good to reach out from time and bridge those gaps between us. Give it a try...I dare you.

To Blog or Not To Blog...

I have been away from my blog for almost nine months. This isn't the first time I have been away from it, and I know that since I don't have a lot of readers, it wouldn't really matter if I continued to stay away from it. The thing is, sometimes I miss blogging.
Back when I first started blogging, I posted pictures of my family and kids, and thought nothing of it. Then I heard horror stories about people's photos getting stolen off their blogs and so I took down all the posts with pictures of my kids in them. Then that made me feel like my blog was impersonal, so I started posting pics of them again, but there are a lot of missing posts from before (like all of 2009). For a while I tried blogging on a private blog just for myself, but that felt pretty useless also, so I came back here and started up again. I started blogging my thoughts and not just family events and such about a year ago. I was really enjoying it. Then, I got pregnant.
I was thrilled to be pregnant, but I was puking my guts out for the first few months and after that I was just plain TIRED. Then my kids went back to school after the summer and it was just me and my three year old son at home, and we were both bored. I didn't feel like writing and I was still tired. Now I have a newborn, and the three year old and I am still tired. I'm not sure my brain can come up with coherent thoughts. I don't know what kind of a blog I want to have. Not a Mommy blog, but not just writing either. I feel like I don't do anything creative anymore, unless you count cutting hot dogs to look like little octopuses to get my three year old to eat them as creative (and really it isn't since it is just copying someone else's idea).

One part of me says I should just let the blog go. It has been almost a year after all, and no one is missing it. No one except for me. I miss blogging...but I'm not sure I know how to be a blogger anymore.

And just so I don't seem too impersonal...here is a current family picture!

Random acts...

I recently turned 40.

In the spirit of various pins on pinterest, and ideas floating around the Internets, I decided that I wanted to do 40 random acts of kindness for my birthday. I toyed with a few different ideas among which were buying roses and leaving them on car windshields, passing out candy or other treats, printing out notes that say "Someone love you." and putting them where people would find them. These are all fine ideas, but somehow they made me feel like I was trying too hard. Trying to cram as much kindness into as little time as I possibly could. Something about that just didn't seem right. I was trying to be kind for the sake of getting to a certain number.

My husband took the day off work for my birthday. We went around town running various errands including driving up to a local view spot that has a $1 parking fee for a year long pass. A couple of times when we have gone up there the little shop you buy the passes has been closed, so we hadn't gotten one yet this year. I went in, paid for my pass, and gave the cashier an extra dollar to pay for the next person who came in to get one. That was my first act of kindness.

Outside there was a couple with a beautiful dog taking pictures of each other. I went over and offered to take a picture of them together. Act of kindness two.

Then we went to lunch and I left the waitress a nice note along with the tip. At this point I realized that I was not going to accomplish 40 acts of kindness in one day without mass producing them and making things feel a little less personal. My husband suggested that I should try to do my 40 acts during the week of my birthday instead. I wasn't totally happy with that compromise but decided to think about it.

Today I had a little epiphany. Why was I so worried about achieving this goal? Was it so I could feel good about myself? Was it for bragging rights about how good I was being? Was it so I could turn my thoughts outward on a day when I was feeling tempted to only think about me? Was it so that other people would experience a little kindness in small ways that they might not normally encounter? It was probably a combination of all of those. Then it hit me. I should be being kind ALL the time, to EVERYONE. It shouldn't be about numbers, or anything other than being a better person and treating people the way that everyone deserves to be treated.

So, my 40 acts was somewhat of a failure, but to me it was also a complete success. I think you should try it too.

Try being kind for the sake of being kind.

Stretch a little bit outside of yourself.

Smile at a stranger.

Hold the door open for someone.

Give compliments freely and without embarrassment.

Be generous.

Say positive things and keep the negative to yourself.

Be forgiving.

Look up and make eye contact.

Be a good tipper.

Show patience.

Give someone a hug (acts of kindness are for more than just strangers).

Write a letter.

Say Thank You.

Lend a helping hand.

Think of yourself less.

Don't worry about numbers or keeping track, just be a better person. And if you slip up, you can just start right over. I dare you to try it. It might just change your life!

Lessons From Running

As a teen I was a runner. I didn't run on a team or because I was good at it. I ran to survive. Running was literally my sanity in high school. After school I would get home, change into my sweats or shorts and head right back out. The run back to the high school was about a mile and a half, so my typical route took me on a three mile run round trip.

I wasn't great at running. In fact, running was pretty painful, but there was just something about it that calmed me down. There was some kind of freedom in going out for a run and being in charge of where I was running and how fast and far I would go. I would settle into a rhythm, look ahead to a goal such as a sign or light post ahead and run that far. Just before I would reach that goal I would pick another one farther off and keep running. I found that if I just made a goal to run the entire way I wouldn't make it, but by setting smaller goals to endure, I could focus on just getting that far and then I could get stubborn and keep going once I hit that goal. There were times I just had to slow down and walk for a bit, but I never let those last very long, just a few breaths and then back into the run.

Looking back I didn't have a particular reason for running. It certainly wasn't to stay in shape. I think it was for the solitude of being by myself, and for control. When I was upset, I ran. When I was stressed, I ran and while I was running I would only focus on those goals ahead, I only had the energy to keep running and not to think about everything that was stressing me out or making me upset that day. Running equaled peace, even though there was also pain involved.

Now I am much older, out of shape, and I can't physically run the way I used to. A bad knee keeps me from it along with a lot of pounds I didn't used to have. I find myself thinking about it often though. I still want to be a runner. I miss the escape from stress where everything just fell away and there was nothing but me, breathing, running and looking at that next goal.

Running did teach me some things though. Mainly about endurance and about setting those smaller goals. Life can be overwhelming. Demands on time, energy and resources can literally make me want to crawl into bed and hide. Hiding doesn't make those problems go away though. Sometimes you just have to look ahead to a small goal and push through to make it that far, and when you reach that destination, you look ahead to another one, even if it's just a short distance away, and you keep going.

There are times when I can feel my mind and my motivation shift and I find myself focusing on a goal, or working my way towards changing something that I need to change in my life, and I suddenly feel like a runner again. Yes, those changes are sometimes painful to make, but I am learning that getting through that pain is making me a stronger person the same way that I got stronger physically when I didn't give up during a run.
I have a long road ahead of me, and while I look forward to my final destination, I know that right now, I need to focus on those smaller goals and remember that each one is bringing me closer to the person I really want to be.

Engage

I spend a lot of time sitting in front of screens. Do I work in an office? No. Am I writing a book? Nah. I'm a stay at home Mom trying to escape from what can sometimes become the monotonous routine of my days. The thing is, there isn't that much to escape to.
There's checking my email. Only I don't get that many emails, and when I do they are usually junk mail, or Facebook notifications.
Then there is Facebook. That's where I go in an attempt to feel like I have meaningful connections with people, many of whom I didn't bother to stay in touch with after High School. Don't get me wrong, Facebook is a great way to find out what people have been up to that you don't get to talk to often. I often also find out more about what is going on with people that live in my area through Facebook than I do through regular conversation. The thing is, those one line screen connections are tenuous at best. As much as I enjoy seeing status updates, giving them a thumbs up, and commenting, it always lacks a certain something. It always feels just a bit empty. But hey, this is a busy world and who has time to have an actual conversation? One where you can hear the other person's voice or look them in the eye. I do. Maybe I don't have all day, but I can find time here and there, and I have to tell you, a good conversation, even if it's only ten minutes long, can feel so much more real and fill up those voids much better than hours upon hours spent on Facebook.
Next up is Pinterest. The place of ideas, inspiration and sometimes impossible dreams. Do I love it? Yes. But does it leave me feeling wonderful? No. It's great to have a place to collect those ideas and inspirations, but it doesn't keep my interest. Often I find myself comparing my skills, my home, my dreams, and even the way the food I cook is plated to the often perfect seeming pins I find there. It leaves me feeling inadequate, and somewhat hopeless.
Last but not least, I go through my blog feeds and see what there is to read. Bloggers don't seem to blog as often as they used to, and a lot of blogs that I used to read are no longer being updated. I still enjoy reading blogs, but again, I rarely find myself really feeling invested in something I read there.
I am starting to realize that a good portion of the problem is me. I need to, as Captain Jean-Luc Picard would say, "Engage".
I have been flitting through life on the outskirts, not allowing myself to feel really connected to anyone or anything. I have been distancing myself from everyone, my husband, my children, my extended family and my friends. I still love them, but somehow it has been easier to wrap myself up in insulation and detach myself from life. Those screens have been like little windows, only they aren't looking out onto the things that matter most. They are easier in many ways than the real thing. For instance, I can say all kinds of nice and wonderful things on Facebook and it takes very little effort. I can praise people, pass on a smile or a virtual hug, and feel like I have done something good with my time. Guess what? Real smiles are better! Real conversations are better! Real hugs are infinitely better! Not that sending someone a personal message on Facebook isn't good, but how much more awesome would it be if I mailed them a card or a letter? Something that will last longer than the pixels on a screen. What if I picked up the phone and called someone? Or invited a friend to lunch? What if I sat down on the living room floor to play with my kids? What if I went on a walk with my husband or took lunch to him at work? What if I bought some flowers or some seeds and planted them in my yard? What if I baked some bread for a neighbor? What if I told someone I love them out loud instead of keeping it to myself? What if I danced around the living room with my daughter? What if I went for a walk with the sun on my face? What if I read a book to a child? What if I thought of someone else before myself? What if I engaged instead of avoiding?
Maybe then I wouldn't feel so empty all the time.
Thank you Jean-Luc...I think I will take your advice.