Change Your Focus. Advice From An Imperfect Mom.

I didn't get along with my parents growing up. Bull headed and emotional might be good descriptions of my personality. I certainly wasn't generally meek and obedient.To hear family members talk about it, I was really horrible. It seems like at least a couple of times a year, one or another of my sisters will mention how awful I was as a child and a teen. For decades, I have felt that I was somehow the black sheep of the family. I just never quite fit. 

I clearly remember being a teenager and wondering what I had done that was so awful. I'm sure that my attitude was a big factor. I was sometimes surly and defiant. I remember thinking to myself that I was generally a pretty good girl. I didn't sleep around, I didn't smoke, I never did drugs, I never even tasted alcohol. I followed the rules for staying out of trouble. That is not to say that I was perfect. Far from it. 

When I was young (5-9 years old), back when kids were much more free range, I had a habit of not being where I was supposed to be. Changing bases is what my Dad called it. I liked exploring and playing with my friends, and I didn't always remember to let my parents know when I left where I was supposed to be and went somewhere else. When my parents left the house and instructed me not to watch TV, I would turn it on anyway and then turn it off when I heard them come home (but my Dad caught me because he felt the back of the TV to see if it was warm). I sometimes took a snack without permission. I was emotional and dramatic. I fought with my older sisters.

In my teen years I didn't try very hard at school. It was boring, and I often let my grades slip, then brought them up to passing at the last minute. I kind of enjoyed the challenge of seeing how low I could drop and still bring it up to a D or C.  I was lazy when it came to chores and cleaning my room. I was a back talker, mostly to my Mom because I could get away with it. I was mean to my younger siblings. I had a short fuse. Maybe I was hard to love. Looking back, I can see why the stories go around every year at family gatherings. I was pretty awful. That said, I could have been so much worse. 

Fast forward 25 years and I am a Mom to eight kids. I am not a great Mom. I still have a short fuse, and tend toward the emotional and dramatic. Some of my kids have really been trying my patience lately. Sometimes they don't come straight home after school and I am left wondering where they are. Almost all of them break the rules about how long they use their screen time. Some sneak snacks without permission. My daughters are drama queens. Almost all of my kids fight with each other. One of my teens lets his grades slip and then brings them back up (experiencing this made me apologize to my parents for my yo-yo grades). Some of them are lazy and don't do their chores without a lot of coaxing. They can be mean and temperamental. Some days I struggle to like them. Some days I want to throw my hands in the air and give up. Then I remember what it was like to be that little kid and that teenager. What I really wanted back then, and if I am honest, what I really want now, is for people to focus on the good things about me.

I had this epiphany recently that I need to change my focus. When things are going good, and it is all smooth sailing, I don't really say much. But if there is a problem, then I am right there pointing my finger at it. I have been focusing too much on the bad things, and as a result I started to see my kids as bad. That simply isn't true. My kids are really good people. What if I stopped pointing out every mistake they make, and instead, pointed out all the wonderful things about them? What if instead of keeping track of their faults, I kept track of their strengths? Because the good and the strong things about them outweigh the less than stellar things. I don't want them to grow up and hear only horror stories about themselves. I want them to grow up and have more good memories than bad ones. More laughing and less yelling. More love, less anger. 

I have been mulling it over for the last week or so, preparing mentally to change the way I do things and then just this morning I got a letter in the mail addressed: To the Parents of ____________. It was a detention slip for my 16 year old for being Tardy three times. Last year he probably had close to 30 detentions over the course of the school year. We were getting slips in the mail every week, sometimes several times a week, most of which were for Tardies. I opened the envelope and held up the pink slip. I said, "Really? You're giving me a detention slip for Christmas?" in my best teasing, but a little bit not teasing voice. He didn't take it that way and got upset. "Mom," he pointed out, "That is my first detention this year." I could tell that he was frustrated with me, and I immediately realized that I had already failed at my efforts to refocus on the positive. I hadn't noticed that he had not gotten any detentions all year. As soon as one came, I immediately remembered all of the ones from the previous year and simply tacked this one onto the end. But really, he has improved immensely, while I still have a very long way to go.

So my advice is, change your focus. That isn't to say that big problems don't need to be taken care of, but maybe if we all took the time to look for those positives, and then to praise them, we could get along better. If we stop looking at each other's faults through a macro lens and start zooming back to see the bigger picture, we can find more common ground. This goes for more than just parenting, but can be applied to everything in your life. Focus on the good. Encourage others for their strengths, and be a little more forgiving of their weaknesses. Try to remember when you might have made similar mistakes, and look at things from their point of view. If you find yourself having difficulties with someone else, look for something to love about them.

And if you are in a group and find yourself telling negative stories about another person's youth or childhood years, or hearing them, think about how much that person might have changed over the years, and think about choosing to focus on the good person they are now, rather than re-hashing the past and re-labeling them as bad.

Give it a try. Change your focus.