Why Is Change So Difficult?

We are creatures of habit. Maybe it is partly laziness, and maybe it is partly fear. Either way, it is generally easier to do things when you can predict the result, and when you don't have to risk too much by moving outside of your usual choices. Even staying in unhealthy or destructive situations can seem easier than moving on from them, or pushing yourself to make changes that will make you a better person.

For instance, my house is often in a state of chaos. Not like a hoarder's house, but cluttered, and messy. It is easy enough to blame this on the fact that we are a family with eight children, but if you want to know the truth, my room was always chaos when I was a child and a teen, even when I had my own room (probably worse when it was just me in the room) so a majority of the chaos can be laid across my own shoulders, and the habits I have allowed myself to perpetuate. 

Have I tried to declutter? Have I rented dumpsters and tossed a lot of things? Have I beat myself up mentally over my failure to have a pristine house? Have I tried re-organizing? Yes. Yes, to all of those things, and more. So why have I failed? It is possible I have not wanted it badly enough to really change my ways. I am overwhelmed at the sheer volume of work needed to really get my house in order, so I give up on it before I even get started. There is that laziness aspect again. A project like that will require a LOT of time, and some money as well. Just thinking about it makes me want to crawl under a blanket and sleep all day. Next comes the fear. What if I get my guts up to do all that work, and then things just slide back into chaos the way they have every other time I have tried? Why is living in chaos easier than trying and failing? The habits I live with now are part of what perpetuate the chaotic situation my home is usually in. I stack things, I set things aside or tuck them away instead of finding a place for them, and then later, when I am looking for something, I end up making a bigger mess pulling things out during my search. There is no organization anywhere.

Sara Bareilles sings a song that I absolutely love called December. It is melancholy, and beautiful, and it fits my mood this time of year, from the depression I feel every December with the approach of Christmas, to the pressure of New Year's resolutions. The final verse of the song says:

Distill a whole year down into a day

Act like we all start over with a pristine slate

But to get yourself a new life you've got to give the other one away

And I'm starting to believe in the power of a name

'Cause it can't be a mistake if I just call it change

That line, "To get yourself a new life, you've got to give the other one away" really hits me. My life is pretty comfortable, and I know what to expect, even when I don't always like things the way they are. I think that the many times I have tried to make changes in my life have been unsuccessful because while I have done some of the initial work, I was never willing to give up my old life. In fact, I didn't really even think about changing who I was as being something I needed for success. I thought I could just do a little bit of heavy lifting, but to really be successful at change, I have to give up my old ways, and become a new person in a sense, or at least, live in a new way. That can be incredibly scary to contemplate. Not only would I be changing myself in a way that I would hopefully not go back on, but I would be risking failure.

These kinds of changes apply to so much more than things like putting my home in order. There are so many changes that we might all be striving for in our lives, and any one of them requires giving up the way we do things for a new life in that aspect. To be a kinder person might require giving up some of our judgmental tendencies along with a taking on a certain amount of vulnerability and softness. To let go of an addiction or a bad habit requires us to leave the addiction or habit behind, and embrace a changed lifestyle, not just for a certain period of time, but forever. It means leaving who we are behind, and that can be a very scary prospect.

How often do we make a resolution to lose weight or get in shape, and then we fall short, or after the weight is lost, we gain it right back? This is because we weren't willing to give up our old life for a new one. You can do the work and get results, but unless you really make a change, and trade your old habits for new ones, the results will only be temporary. Just like all the times I have cleaned out my clutter and then invited it right back in with the way I choose to live my life.

Positive change is far from easy. Somehow it is always easier to let ourselves slip into destructive habits, or to stop striving to improve ourselves. As a new year approaches, along with all of the resolutions and goals that we think about trying to attain, I hope that we can take some time to really look at our lives, and decide if we are ready to give up what we have now, for something even better. Are you ready to give your old life away for change?