This morning, as is common at my house, I got the kids off to school and then made breakfast for me and my three year old daughter. I sometimes like to eat at the computer desk, while checking my morning email. Lately, my daughter has insisted that I eat at the table with her. She not only wants both of us to eat at the table, but she pulls my chair as close to hers as is humanly possible, puts her plate or bowl directly next to mine, and then sits with her side pressed up against mine. Only then does she look satisfied and proceeds to eat her breakfast. If I finish my food first and get up from the table, she soon loses interest in her own food and leaves it, so this morning, after I finished my meal, I continued to sit next to her until she was finished with hers.
Throughout the day, she will come and stand next to me and say simply, "I need you." Sometimes this happens at a less than convenient moment for me, but I am trying to be better about giving her a hug or letting her sit on my lap. Because when she says, "I need you," it has never been about me helping her with something else. She is pretty good about just asking for help, or a snack, or whatever else she needs. The phrase "I need you" is reserved for wanting to be held. I know I was that way when I was young as well, but things changed.
As a child, I can clearly remember wanting to snuggle up with my Mom, and needing that security and stability that comes from being hugged. Over time, various things changed that aspect in me, and by high school I was firmly in the realm of finding hugs and physical contact to be very awkward, with the exception of an extremely small group of people that I was emotionally close to. I had to learn to allow myself to be hugged, but even now, when I am well practiced, there are only a select few that I really feel physically comfortable with.
Over the last twenty years of being a mother, I have always loved to hold my babies, and to hug my toddlers, and then, somewhere between my kids' ages of three and four, I find myself distancing myself gradually. I don't mean to do it, I have just noticed in hindsight that it happened. By the time they reach middle school, the majority of my kids have graduated to the same feelings of awkwardness that I have about hugging other people. It has just been how we evolved over time, and I feel bad about that, because as a Mom of four teen aged boys, and a twenty year old man, I think that sometimes a hug would help them more than my lectures or my advice. I do hug them, just not often, and the reason for that is because they so obviously feel awkward about it, which makes me feel awkward right along with them. I feel a lot of guilt about that, even though I know that it isn't 100% me that has caused the awkwardness. Society here in America has a tendency to stamp out healthy physical contact, especially for men and boys. Needing a hug is seen as weakness, and boys, especially are expected to man up and detach from a lot of those emotional things.
I firmly believe that physical touch is something that we all need. There can be a lot of comfort in someone holding your hand, putting an arm around your shoulder, or hugging you. And there can be a lot of feelings of loneliness and rejection when human touch is lacking in our lives. After years of not really letting anyone but my husband and my family touch me, I learned that it was okay to hug other people. Sometimes a good hug can say more than all of the supportive words we can think of, and I am personally a big advocate of using words to express ourselves. To think that a hug can be more powerful is a lot coming from me.
Do I still feel awkward when hugging some people? Yes. People I am really comfortable hugging are still limited to my husband, my younger children, and a few of my closest friends. But I truly think it is worth it, awkwardness and all. Human touch is a powerful thing. I'm not saying we should all run out and invade another's personal bubble, but I think that we often hesitate to take opportunities to give kindness and support in the form of a hug, or even just a hand on someone else's shoulder.
Do you ever find yourself in need of a hug? Are you afraid to approach others when you need a hug? Are you afraid to extend a hug to someone else you feel might need one? How can we make it easier for ourselves and others to be comforted and strengthened through healthy physical contact? I have a lot of questions, and not many answers about this subject. I however, am going to try to get a bit more outside of my comfort zone, and extend compassionate touch to others more often, and I am going to do my best to always give my daughter a moment when she "needs" me. It's a start.
Throughout the day, she will come and stand next to me and say simply, "I need you." Sometimes this happens at a less than convenient moment for me, but I am trying to be better about giving her a hug or letting her sit on my lap. Because when she says, "I need you," it has never been about me helping her with something else. She is pretty good about just asking for help, or a snack, or whatever else she needs. The phrase "I need you" is reserved for wanting to be held. I know I was that way when I was young as well, but things changed.
As a child, I can clearly remember wanting to snuggle up with my Mom, and needing that security and stability that comes from being hugged. Over time, various things changed that aspect in me, and by high school I was firmly in the realm of finding hugs and physical contact to be very awkward, with the exception of an extremely small group of people that I was emotionally close to. I had to learn to allow myself to be hugged, but even now, when I am well practiced, there are only a select few that I really feel physically comfortable with.
Over the last twenty years of being a mother, I have always loved to hold my babies, and to hug my toddlers, and then, somewhere between my kids' ages of three and four, I find myself distancing myself gradually. I don't mean to do it, I have just noticed in hindsight that it happened. By the time they reach middle school, the majority of my kids have graduated to the same feelings of awkwardness that I have about hugging other people. It has just been how we evolved over time, and I feel bad about that, because as a Mom of four teen aged boys, and a twenty year old man, I think that sometimes a hug would help them more than my lectures or my advice. I do hug them, just not often, and the reason for that is because they so obviously feel awkward about it, which makes me feel awkward right along with them. I feel a lot of guilt about that, even though I know that it isn't 100% me that has caused the awkwardness. Society here in America has a tendency to stamp out healthy physical contact, especially for men and boys. Needing a hug is seen as weakness, and boys, especially are expected to man up and detach from a lot of those emotional things.
I firmly believe that physical touch is something that we all need. There can be a lot of comfort in someone holding your hand, putting an arm around your shoulder, or hugging you. And there can be a lot of feelings of loneliness and rejection when human touch is lacking in our lives. After years of not really letting anyone but my husband and my family touch me, I learned that it was okay to hug other people. Sometimes a good hug can say more than all of the supportive words we can think of, and I am personally a big advocate of using words to express ourselves. To think that a hug can be more powerful is a lot coming from me.
Do I still feel awkward when hugging some people? Yes. People I am really comfortable hugging are still limited to my husband, my younger children, and a few of my closest friends. But I truly think it is worth it, awkwardness and all. Human touch is a powerful thing. I'm not saying we should all run out and invade another's personal bubble, but I think that we often hesitate to take opportunities to give kindness and support in the form of a hug, or even just a hand on someone else's shoulder.
Do you ever find yourself in need of a hug? Are you afraid to approach others when you need a hug? Are you afraid to extend a hug to someone else you feel might need one? How can we make it easier for ourselves and others to be comforted and strengthened through healthy physical contact? I have a lot of questions, and not many answers about this subject. I however, am going to try to get a bit more outside of my comfort zone, and extend compassionate touch to others more often, and I am going to do my best to always give my daughter a moment when she "needs" me. It's a start.
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