Engage

I spend a lot of time sitting in front of screens. Do I work in an office? No. Am I writing a book? Nah. I'm a stay at home Mom trying to escape from what can sometimes become the monotonous routine of my days. The thing is, there isn't that much to escape to.
There's checking my email. Only I don't get that many emails, and when I do they are usually junk mail, or Facebook notifications.
Then there is Facebook. That's where I go in an attempt to feel like I have meaningful connections with people, many of whom I didn't bother to stay in touch with after High School. Don't get me wrong, Facebook is a great way to find out what people have been up to that you don't get to talk to often. I often also find out more about what is going on with people that live in my area through Facebook than I do through regular conversation. The thing is, those one line screen connections are tenuous at best. As much as I enjoy seeing status updates, giving them a thumbs up, and commenting, it always lacks a certain something. It always feels just a bit empty. But hey, this is a busy world and who has time to have an actual conversation? One where you can hear the other person's voice or look them in the eye. I do. Maybe I don't have all day, but I can find time here and there, and I have to tell you, a good conversation, even if it's only ten minutes long, can feel so much more real and fill up those voids much better than hours upon hours spent on Facebook.
Next up is Pinterest. The place of ideas, inspiration and sometimes impossible dreams. Do I love it? Yes. But does it leave me feeling wonderful? No. It's great to have a place to collect those ideas and inspirations, but it doesn't keep my interest. Often I find myself comparing my skills, my home, my dreams, and even the way the food I cook is plated to the often perfect seeming pins I find there. It leaves me feeling inadequate, and somewhat hopeless.
Last but not least, I go through my blog feeds and see what there is to read. Bloggers don't seem to blog as often as they used to, and a lot of blogs that I used to read are no longer being updated. I still enjoy reading blogs, but again, I rarely find myself really feeling invested in something I read there.
I am starting to realize that a good portion of the problem is me. I need to, as Captain Jean-Luc Picard would say, "Engage".
I have been flitting through life on the outskirts, not allowing myself to feel really connected to anyone or anything. I have been distancing myself from everyone, my husband, my children, my extended family and my friends. I still love them, but somehow it has been easier to wrap myself up in insulation and detach myself from life. Those screens have been like little windows, only they aren't looking out onto the things that matter most. They are easier in many ways than the real thing. For instance, I can say all kinds of nice and wonderful things on Facebook and it takes very little effort. I can praise people, pass on a smile or a virtual hug, and feel like I have done something good with my time. Guess what? Real smiles are better! Real conversations are better! Real hugs are infinitely better! Not that sending someone a personal message on Facebook isn't good, but how much more awesome would it be if I mailed them a card or a letter? Something that will last longer than the pixels on a screen. What if I picked up the phone and called someone? Or invited a friend to lunch? What if I sat down on the living room floor to play with my kids? What if I went on a walk with my husband or took lunch to him at work? What if I bought some flowers or some seeds and planted them in my yard? What if I baked some bread for a neighbor? What if I told someone I love them out loud instead of keeping it to myself? What if I danced around the living room with my daughter? What if I went for a walk with the sun on my face? What if I read a book to a child? What if I thought of someone else before myself? What if I engaged instead of avoiding?
Maybe then I wouldn't feel so empty all the time.
Thank you Jean-Luc...I think I will take your advice.