I think I enjoyed a lot about being a child. I was allowed to be out around the neighborhood as long as my parents knew approximately where to find me, and I had to be "back before the street lights came on." I enjoyed the freedom of playing in the neighborhood for many years. I don't think I spent a lot of time as a small child thinking about how much better it would be being an adult (other than an occasional wish to eat what I wanted to eat, when I wanted to eat it)...I was pretty content to get to ride my bike, or my roller skates up and down our street, and to have dirt clod fights in the woods across from where we lived. I rarely looked towards the future.
Eventually I grew into my teen years and developed what was probably not an unusual amount of teen angst. I felt like I was old enough to be in charge of myself, but still had all these rules and restrictions. I looked forward to growing up if only to get out on my own and be the ruler of my own life. Of course, once I was eighteen, moving out into the big, bad world suddenly didn't seem quite as friendly, and I figured out that it was expensive being grown up, and having to be responsible for every little expense myself. I opted to stay living at my parents house for a few more years, until I got married at age 23.
After I married, we moved to Utah so that D could continue his education at BYU. I had transferred from the Barnes and Noble in my hometown to work in the Orem B&N, and I worked full time while D did part time janitorial work at BYU, and went to school full time. We lived in a tiny basement apartment and there were about six single guys living upstairs from us, so it was very seldom quiet at our house. This life was my first real taste of being an adult. I was far away from most family and friends, and I think that it was really a good thing. I had no desire to live in Utah, or to be far away from my family, but being there really required D and I to learn to depend on each other and to work together. I continued to look to the future and as time went by, we reached the milestones of parenthood, my husband's college graduation, moving back closer to family, D's first family wage job, moving again and purchasing our first home, as well as job and situational changes. We now have five sons, we are still somewhat young, and I continue to look towards the future.
There is going to come a point when I don't want to look forward anymore. I know its going to come eventually, I just don't know when. I got a glimpse of this sudden aversion to the passage of time when I visited my Grandparents in Colorado Springs this past summer.
It had been five years since I had seen my Grandparents. They are used to the Colorado climate, so they don't like to travel outside of it. The last time they had come to visit the Northwest was for my wedding. It took five years after that for us to have the means to go and visit them in Colorado. In that five years since they had seen me for my marriage we had had three children and I was pregnant with our fourth. Last summer marked another five years since I had been able to see my Grandparents. We didn't have the funds to all go to Colorado, so I rode up with my parents when they went to visit, and I flew home after the weekend. Five more years meant two more children for us. I am not sure they will ever get to meet my Grandparents in person. Five years also brought what felt to me like a drastic change in my Grandparents. Grandma was too thin. She was crankier than I remembered her being in all the years since I had met her (she and Grandpa got married a while after my Grandmother on Mom's side passed away.) She was also very forgetful. We had the same conversation numerous times, because she kept forgetting the things we had discussed. I don't think I was prepared for the changes. When we had visited before, Grandma had cooked, and had made wonderful fruit salads with a large variety of chopped up fruits. I had somehow held on to the memories of that and was looking forward to the fresh fruit at each meal. What I found was a freezer full of TV dinners, and an oven that didn't work. Their diet now consists mostly of microwave TV dinners. While we were there we lived on three to four TV dinners divided between 7 adults. I couldn't believe it.
Grandpa on the other hand, had not changed as much. He still has a full grasp on his mind, and the only changes I noticed were that he seemed much more frail than I remembered and had a misty look in his eyes. He told stories of his youth, and of his time fighting in WWII and the Korean War. He also showed us pictures he had collected over the years and I enjoyed getting to talk to him. I went there knowing that it was quite possibly the last time I was going to see my Grandpa alive. I can't afford to go to Colorado every year, and even though he sometimes says he would like to come back to the NW to see us, he just isn't up to it.
I have lost two Grandmothers and a Grandfather to illness. They were too young to die in my opinion. Now I face losing my Grandpa to the ravages of old age, and I feel like in many ways I have already lost my step-Grandma to the same. I called them the other day to share the good news of my sister giving birth to my new nephew. Grandma had forgotten that my sister was pregnant, and after I talked to her for a few minutes before she gave the phone to Grandpa, she asked me who I was. Its not like she is losing her mind blissfully either. She knows that she forgets things. It was very hard being there over the summer and seeing her frustration at realizing that she had forgotten about something we had talked about. Seeing it has made me realize that I am feeling ready for time to slow down.
I am nowhere near old, and I don't feel like my parents are near to being old, but time has brought us all a lot closer to that threshold. I dread the time when I may suddenly find that one of my parents has lost some part of their mind to old age, or when their bodies just can't keep up with time anymore. Do I have less time with my parents than I have already had up to now? Have we passed the halfway mark of our time together? When I get old, will I have a strong body, but a confused mind? Or a strong mind and a weak body? I think if I had a choice I am definitely leaning towards keeping my mental facilities over keeping a strong body. Any of the options scare me, and it scares me even more that I won't really have a choice when it comes down to it.
My only comfort comes from my belief in the Resurrection. I find comfort in knowing that I will again see the Grandparents that I have already lost. There is comfort in knowing that my Grandpa will be restored to a strong body, and that my Grandma will be restored to her proper mind. Whatever ravages that come to my parents' bodies and/or minds, or to myself and my husband; We will all be restored. I still wish that time would slow down just a little, but even though I dread some of what will come...I will still look towards the future.
Eventually I grew into my teen years and developed what was probably not an unusual amount of teen angst. I felt like I was old enough to be in charge of myself, but still had all these rules and restrictions. I looked forward to growing up if only to get out on my own and be the ruler of my own life. Of course, once I was eighteen, moving out into the big, bad world suddenly didn't seem quite as friendly, and I figured out that it was expensive being grown up, and having to be responsible for every little expense myself. I opted to stay living at my parents house for a few more years, until I got married at age 23.
After I married, we moved to Utah so that D could continue his education at BYU. I had transferred from the Barnes and Noble in my hometown to work in the Orem B&N, and I worked full time while D did part time janitorial work at BYU, and went to school full time. We lived in a tiny basement apartment and there were about six single guys living upstairs from us, so it was very seldom quiet at our house. This life was my first real taste of being an adult. I was far away from most family and friends, and I think that it was really a good thing. I had no desire to live in Utah, or to be far away from my family, but being there really required D and I to learn to depend on each other and to work together. I continued to look to the future and as time went by, we reached the milestones of parenthood, my husband's college graduation, moving back closer to family, D's first family wage job, moving again and purchasing our first home, as well as job and situational changes. We now have five sons, we are still somewhat young, and I continue to look towards the future.
There is going to come a point when I don't want to look forward anymore. I know its going to come eventually, I just don't know when. I got a glimpse of this sudden aversion to the passage of time when I visited my Grandparents in Colorado Springs this past summer.
It had been five years since I had seen my Grandparents. They are used to the Colorado climate, so they don't like to travel outside of it. The last time they had come to visit the Northwest was for my wedding. It took five years after that for us to have the means to go and visit them in Colorado. In that five years since they had seen me for my marriage we had had three children and I was pregnant with our fourth. Last summer marked another five years since I had been able to see my Grandparents. We didn't have the funds to all go to Colorado, so I rode up with my parents when they went to visit, and I flew home after the weekend. Five more years meant two more children for us. I am not sure they will ever get to meet my Grandparents in person. Five years also brought what felt to me like a drastic change in my Grandparents. Grandma was too thin. She was crankier than I remembered her being in all the years since I had met her (she and Grandpa got married a while after my Grandmother on Mom's side passed away.) She was also very forgetful. We had the same conversation numerous times, because she kept forgetting the things we had discussed. I don't think I was prepared for the changes. When we had visited before, Grandma had cooked, and had made wonderful fruit salads with a large variety of chopped up fruits. I had somehow held on to the memories of that and was looking forward to the fresh fruit at each meal. What I found was a freezer full of TV dinners, and an oven that didn't work. Their diet now consists mostly of microwave TV dinners. While we were there we lived on three to four TV dinners divided between 7 adults. I couldn't believe it.
Grandpa on the other hand, had not changed as much. He still has a full grasp on his mind, and the only changes I noticed were that he seemed much more frail than I remembered and had a misty look in his eyes. He told stories of his youth, and of his time fighting in WWII and the Korean War. He also showed us pictures he had collected over the years and I enjoyed getting to talk to him. I went there knowing that it was quite possibly the last time I was going to see my Grandpa alive. I can't afford to go to Colorado every year, and even though he sometimes says he would like to come back to the NW to see us, he just isn't up to it.
I have lost two Grandmothers and a Grandfather to illness. They were too young to die in my opinion. Now I face losing my Grandpa to the ravages of old age, and I feel like in many ways I have already lost my step-Grandma to the same. I called them the other day to share the good news of my sister giving birth to my new nephew. Grandma had forgotten that my sister was pregnant, and after I talked to her for a few minutes before she gave the phone to Grandpa, she asked me who I was. Its not like she is losing her mind blissfully either. She knows that she forgets things. It was very hard being there over the summer and seeing her frustration at realizing that she had forgotten about something we had talked about. Seeing it has made me realize that I am feeling ready for time to slow down.
I am nowhere near old, and I don't feel like my parents are near to being old, but time has brought us all a lot closer to that threshold. I dread the time when I may suddenly find that one of my parents has lost some part of their mind to old age, or when their bodies just can't keep up with time anymore. Do I have less time with my parents than I have already had up to now? Have we passed the halfway mark of our time together? When I get old, will I have a strong body, but a confused mind? Or a strong mind and a weak body? I think if I had a choice I am definitely leaning towards keeping my mental facilities over keeping a strong body. Any of the options scare me, and it scares me even more that I won't really have a choice when it comes down to it.
My only comfort comes from my belief in the Resurrection. I find comfort in knowing that I will again see the Grandparents that I have already lost. There is comfort in knowing that my Grandpa will be restored to a strong body, and that my Grandma will be restored to her proper mind. Whatever ravages that come to my parents' bodies and/or minds, or to myself and my husband; We will all be restored. I still wish that time would slow down just a little, but even though I dread some of what will come...I will still look towards the future.
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