Have you ever had a friend come to you with a problem or an issue that involves another person? I would venture to guess that most people have. It is natural for us to seek comfort in one another when we are going through tough times, and talking about things often helps us feel better and get support when we need it. Being there for each other is such a good thing, especially as we encourage and uplift others. There is nothing quite like a pep talk from someone else to help you feel loved.
Have you ever found common ground with someone else because they feel the same way as you about something? Isn't it wonderful when you find out that a new friend grew up loving the same TV show or movies you loved as a child? Or that a coworker shares your favorite singer? Or that a neighbor in a new city actually grew up in your home state? We all share commonalities with others around us and those things bring us together. The things we have in common unite us.
This unity can happen even with things we share that are less positive. How many times do we bond over something we dislike, whether it be a particular food, a shared fear, a celebrity or politician that annoys us, or even, at times, a whole group of people we disagree with? Isn't there comfort in finding someone who is like-minded about things? Don't we feel accepted in our shared rejection of something else?
Before you stop reading this post, rest assured that I am not here to delve into politics, race relations, or any of those kinds of hot button topics right now. Not to say that those are not important, just that I am not qualified to write about them.
What I do want to talk about is how we talk about other people and why the way we talk about them matters.
Imagine a scenario where someone comes to a friend and shares how another person hurt their feelings, or did something that frustrated them. We have all had things like that happen, and most of us have probably vented to someone else about it. Venting helps us process things, and letting someone else hear about our frustrations can give us valuable feedback and helps us feel better. We feel supported as we are listened to and our feelings are validated.
Now imagine that you get together with that friend at a later date and the topic comes up again. Do you continue to dwell on the thing that person did? Do you vent a little bit more, or if you don't vent more, do you find that your venting has turned into a kind of a judgment about that other person? "(Insert name here) is so mean." or "thinks they know everything" or "is so bossy" or "doesn't do things the way I think they should" and the list goes on. Pretty soon, one incident, or a series of incidents can turn into a group of people thinking negatively about someone else.
The thing is, we all have weaknesses. We all do stupid things or make mistakes in how we treat one another. We all end up with our foot in our mouth at some point. Nobody is perfect and we all know that. In the same way that we are not 100% our strengths, we are also not 100% our faults, so why do we choose to focus so much on the faults and forget all the good things about each other? If someone is making a pot of soup and someone else spits in it, the whole pot is ruined. But we are not soup. We are people. We don't have to be ruined by having a weakness or a fault, we are worth more than that.
I found out a year or so ago that some of my friends had been talking about me behind my back. You might think you know where this is going, but I have to clarify that what I found out was that they had been saying only good things about me behind my back. When I wasn't with them, they were talking about how much they liked me and focusing on my strengths. I am not making any claims towards awesomeness, I was just the recipient of a group of people speaking and thinking well of me. I have weaknesses just like everyone else does, but in this case, the focus was on the better parts of me.
When we talk about others in negative ways, we become unified in our ability to see the bad in them. On the other hand, when we talk about others in positive ways, we become unified in our ability to see the good in them. Let me repeat that. When we talk about others in positive ways, we become unified in our ability to see the good in them. The words we say matter. The way we talk about other people matters. I wonder what would happen if we all made an effort to swing away from the negative ways we use our words and to speak in positive ways instead. I believe it could change the world. For now, I am going to focus on the ways that it can change me. What will you do with your words?
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